An Episode in the Life of Stephanie Plum
by amberranae6292
Summary: Mary Lou asks Stephanie to dispose of her EPTs, and that's when all hell breaks loose.. OneShot One of my few Morelli works


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Disclaimer: None of the main characters are mine... I just use them for my own entertainment.

**This is a one shot... It started out strong, but it's 1:28am right now, and I'm tired, so I kinda just wrapped it up. I may go back in later and give it an alternate ending, but, as of right now, I am too tired to.**

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It all started when Mary Lou called me one early Wednesday morning.

"I need you," she sobbed into the phone.

See, Mary Lou has many sobs. She has her "I need a babysitter" sob, her "Lennie is being an ass" sob, her "my dryer has gone out" sob, and her "I think I'm pregnant" sob.

I knew exactly which sob this was.

"I thought you got your tubes tied," I griped, sitting up and reachind around for the lamp switch.

"Well, not exactly..."

Obviously.

I hung up the phone and took a quick shower, griping to myself. Someday she was going to pay for this, she really was. Someday it would be ME who needed the pee-sticks, me who woke her up at six in the morning, me!

Well, probably not, but it was still good to fantasize.

Most of the local stores were not yet open at seven in the morning, so I had to stop at a small convience store about twenty minutes away from my apartment.

"Interesting," said the old lady behind the counter. "You don't look like the type who would be pregnant to me."

I was unsure if that was a compliment or an insult. "How's that?"

She examined me. "Well, no offense honey, but you just look like the type that would.. you know... not be interested in men."

Now that was uncalled for, you stupid old hag. I snatched my change and the bag away from her without another word.

"Have a nice day!"

I ignored her, digging for my keys.

The short drive to Mary Lou's was uneventful, save for the bird that almost ran into my windshield. I couldn't blame it, though. It probably didn't know that humans could be out and about at this time; he probably never even saw me.

I pulled into Mary Lou's driveway and locked my doors, waving at the hoards of kids in her front yard. I let myself into the house, finding her with her head resting on her arms at the kitchen table.

"Oh, thank God," she muttered, standing. She pulled the bag from my arms and raced to the bathroom. I stood on the other side, frowning out the window.

"Did they multiply?" I asked, watching the children arrange a game of Red-Rover.

"I'm car-pooling for school today," she explained through the wooden door.

"They have school this early?"

I was answered with the flushing of the toilet. The door came open with a flustered looking Mary Lou.

"It has to develop," she said nervously, thrusting the stick out to me. I took it with two fingers, holding it away with a look of disdain. I love my best friend, but holding her pee just crosses the line.

"Yep," I replied, "It's a positive."

"No," moaned Mary Lou, sinking to the ground, "Not another one."

I shook the test just to make sure.

"No, this definately says you're going to be receiving another bundle of joy."

She reached for the bag. "You bought another one, right? Maybe that one's just faulty."

That was the same excuse she had used for her past two kids.

"You're right." I pulled the box out of the bag. "That was an offbrand, it probably just says that so that people will go to the doctor. It's like a conspiracy or something."

I felt like I was reading off of a script. After her third child, I was used to this.

"Yeah!" she agreed, looking more cheerful. "Probably, this one will be negative. Probably, that one just had a glitch."

I helped her up and handed her the stick. "This one will be negative," she guessed.

Ten minutes later, the door opened again. "Positive?"

I looked at the sign. "Yup."

She groaned loudly, hitting her head lightly against the wall. "Is that the last test you bought?"

I looked in the bag. "Nope, I have one more." Not that it would be any different, I wanted to add.. but I didn't.

She reached her hand out for it so I tossed it to her. "Where are you getting all this urine?" I asked. She glared at me, then looked at the clock.

"Crap, Steph," she shrieked, "The kids are late for school!"

I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. Finally, I realized what she wanted.

"Oh, no," I said, putting my hands in the air, "I am NOT taking them to school."

"Come ON, Steph, it's only five minutes away, they have to be there! Please, Stephie?"

"No way!" I looked back out the window. "There's like, twelve of them!"

She followed my gaze. "Actually, I think there's nine."

My eyes widened and alarms went off in my head. "I don't do good with kids," I reminded her. "Remember what happened last time I babysat for yours?"

"Oh, that wasn't your fault." She waved her hand impatiently.

"Mary, they burned up a curtain!"

"Stephanie, please just take them? I have to do this last test and I won't have enough time.. They'll be tardy!"

"I thought they already were...?" I caught the look in her eye, the ''I'm-going-to-win-this-so-you-might-as-well-back-down look and threw my hands in the air. "FINE!" I yelled. "Fine! But if they kill each other, it's NOT my fault, got it?"

She hugged me and retrieved her keys to her huge van from her purse. "I love you so much."

"Shut up." I took the keys and walked to the front yard, leaving her to her urine flow.

"Um, kids?" Only two or three looked at me. "Hey, kids?" Still nothing.

"HEY RUGRATS!"

Nine pairs of eyes met mine. I smiled. This wasn't so bad.

"It's time for school." I opened the van door, expecting kids to hop in. Nothing happened.

"Uh, hello? School? Meaning, get in the car?"

"We need our car-seats," explained a young girl.

"And our lunches," said another.

"Yeah, where's the food!"

I sighed, entering the house again. "Mary!" I yelled, "They want their lunches!"

"On the counter!" she called back to me. I saw a line of paper sacks and shrugged, picking them up. I carried them back out and put them in the front seat of the van.

"Now, get in."

"Nuh-uh," the same little girl said. "I need my car seat."

"We're roughing it today," I grunted, "Get in the van."

Nobody moved.

"NOW!"

They scrambled into the vehicle. I crossed over to the driver's seat and started the ignition. Once the door was closed, I pulled out of the driveway and toward the school. In the rearview, I counted the heads. One, two, three...

"Hey," I said suddenly, "Wasn't there nine of you?"

The kids looked around, then a little boy piped up, "You left Robert!"

This put the other kids into a frenzy. "Robert!" they yelled, "You left him at the house!"

"A la casa," another little boy shouted into my ear. Horrified, I swung the van around in a U-Turn, hearing the sounds of bodies hitting the inside of the van.

Car-seat girl started crying, but I ignored her. I pulled back into Mary Lou's driveway, where a little boy was sobbing into his backpack. I opened the door and ran to him, scooping him into my arms.

"Ohmigod, I left Robbie," I gasped, hugging him. Once he was settled into the van, I took another headcount. Satisfied, I pulled out once again.

"Let's sing a song," a boy suggested.

"How about no?" I was stressed enough, hearing all those squeaky little voices would throw me right over the edge.

Apparantly what I wanted didn't matter, however, because they all launched into a warbled version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

By the time I pulled into the drop-off zone at school, I had a violent twitch in my eye and, I'm sure, a few gray hairs.

"Bye mean lady!" they called to me as the aide let them out of the car. The aide gave me a look, and I had to resist shooting her the bird. Don't judge me, ho.

I peeled out of the parking lot, not wanting to go back to Mary Lou's but not wanting to drive around in a van, either. Resigned, I pointed the van back towards its home. My cell phone rang as I pulled into the driveway. I looked at the display. Ranger. Great.

"Hello?"

Silence.

"Babe."

Now that's one of my pet peeves. HE called ME, so why is he just sitting there not saying anything?

"Yes?"

"What do you have planned for today?"

I sighed. Great. He probably had a job for me... which meant money. I could be getting money, but instead I was stuck with my pregnant best friend.

"I'm doing the domestic thing today," I told him.

"I heard."

Silence.

"Wait a minute, do you have someone following me?" I got out of the van and looked around, but saw nobody.

Silence.

"Can't believe you left Robbie," he said, then I heard the click of the phone.

"Asshole!"

I flipped the bird in all directions, knowing that his men were nearby. Shaking my head, I locked the van and entered the house.

"Mary Lou?"

She walked out of her bedroom.

"It's pink," she said, sighing. "That's the most evil color in the world. Pink."

I took the test from her and looked at it. Yup, it was definately pink, a pink smiley face. I looked over at the other two. One had a plus sign on it, one was straight up "Yes".

"Well, look at it this way," I said, trying to cheer her up, "It's one more kid you can stick on some unsuspecting babysitter."

Whatever it was that was in my sentence that was so bad, I don't know, but something set her off and she began wailing.

"I can't do this anymore," she sobbed. "I'm thirty four years old... I'm too OLD to be having kids..."

She looked up at me. "No offense, of course."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "There's nothing wrong with waiting to have kids," I defended.

"Of course not... but it's not for me! I already have four, I can't TAKE anymore!" Her eyes drifted to the big family portrait hanging on the wall. "And how am I gonna tell Lennie?" Her eyes filled, once again, with tears. "I can't tell Lennie... not yet... I have to wait."

"Um, I hate to point out the obvious," Liar, "But won't he find out when he sees the boxes?"

Now, why did I ever tell her that?

Her eyes gleamed. "You're right," she said softly. She slowly got up and returned the sticks to their appropriate boxes, then looked at me. "You have to take them."

"WHAT?"

NOT what I had planned. "No, no WAY Mary. You know how people talk."

"You're used to it!" she wailed. "Everyone always talks crap about you, you should be used to it!"

"Yeah, but that's just speculation and Grandma Bella's visions. If they saw me throwing away piss boxes, that'd start something totally different-"

"Grandma Bella's visions are always right!"

At the thought of Grandma Bella, we both shivered.

"Nevertheless-"

"Stephanie, please?"

"This isn't.. no. No. I'm not doing it."

I put my foot down, and for once, that was final.

My answer was no. No discussions.

Ten minutes later, I walked out of there, the three boxes stashed at the bottom of my purse. I cursed myself with every step I took.

Once again, my phone rang. I looked at the screen. Morelli.

"Hey."

"Hey. Bob misses you."

I threw my purse into my car, then sat and started it. "I'm sure."

"He does. He wants us to go get donuts."

I looked at the clock. It was still only 9:00am.

"All right," I agreed, "But I need to stop by my place and change, first." I didn't want to tell him that I was still wearing my pajamas. I guess he knew it, though, because he laughed.

"You have clothes here."

I thought about it. "I think I only have that pair of jeans that barely fits anymore."

"I like that pair of jeans."

"Pervert."

Nevertheless, I aimed the car towards his house. When I got there, I grabbed my purse. The last thing I needed was for the boxes to fall out into the seat, right in plain sight of the entire Burg.

Morelli greeted me at the door, wrapping his arms around my waist. I lay my purse down on the floor, the boxes being the last things on my mind.

"Screw donuts," Morelli muttered, pulling me into the house and shutting the door with his foot.

"What about Bob?" I gasped. "Can't disappoint Bob."

Morelli pulled away from me with a sigh, though he was still smiling. "You're right. Bob comes first."

Knowing that we were talking about him, Bob padded into the room. He slobbered my leg in greeting, then went back to chewing on the sofa leg.

"That's the fifth one this year," Morelli griped. "Can't you chew on the computer desk instead?"

Bob ignored him.

"I'm going to go change." I pulled out of Morelli's arms and headed to the bedroom. I was in the middle of pulling on one of Morelli's TPD shirts when he burst into the room.

"Stephanie," he grunted, thrusting forward those evil little boxes. "What is this?"

SHIIIT.

I looked at the boxes, then at him.

"I can explain," I said meekly.

He shook his head at me and left the room.

"Morelli!" I yelled, following him. He was waving his arms around in the typical Italian male fashion, shaking his head and spitting out curses to the walls.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he whirled, sticking his finger in my face. "I have a right to know, you know, if I'm the father. Or _am_ I the father? Is it mine or is it Ranger's? It's Ranger's, isn't it?" He began cursing again, this time in Italian.

"Morelli, they're not-"

"The doctors!" He exclaimed. "Have you gone to the doctor? You need to go to the doc-"

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" I yelled.

He froze in mid-rant. "You're not?"

I shook my head. "I'm not."

"Then what..."

I looked over at the evil boxes and felt something empower me.

"Come with me." Not waiting to see if he was following, but knowing he was, I took all three boxes. I carried them into the living room and threw them into the fireplace. The first box, the one with the pink and blue, set aflame. The first carried to the second, then so on. Joe and Bob and I watched them until they were charred ashes, then I sat back, satisfied.

"You still didn't tell me what that was all about," Morelli muttered, watching the ashes. I looked over at him, then sighed.

"I'll explain it over donuts."

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